Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Feng Shui Scuba Diving

There’s going to be the last fairy-land Feng Shui tour to the Middle Kingdom led by Young Shaman sometime in mid April this year. Stranger than pulp-fiction that this phrase was ‘advertised’ to attract sheep to go on the phony ride…

See WHERE Yang Yun Song is buried?
No one really knows for sure, exactly where Yang is buried. I've managed to find the area in which he is 'believed' to be buried.

And so it seems like a wild guessing game! “Guess who’s right and who’s left? Who’s white and who’s black? Who’s smart and who’s stupid?”

For all we know, the late Master Yang Yun Song’s grave is submerged in water. The concern is… Have you gotten your goggles and oxygen tank? How about your scuba diving license? Sorry folks, Feng Shui scuba diving is not available in Malaysia at the moment but it is available somewhere else (I forgot the exact location lah!).

Breathe through your mouth to register! (Wow! Golly! What have you been eating man?!)



PS: He said this is going to be his last extortion to Middle Kingdom woh... Let's see if next year he comes back with a 'back by popular demand' ass-cuse! "Brrrr....! I'm drowning! Did you give me a fake scuba diving license?! You scumbag!"

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

This is My Land! Stop screwing around!

If your property is surrounded by these landforms and you're sleeping in a 1-4 room, then you better use 'Durex' best-selling product. The company will thank and appreciate you as a very regular customer.



But if there's a defect in the Durex product, then this is what you will get, if you have some good 'swimmers'... (DO NOT scroll down)


















































A bunch of kids!


"What the heck were you thinking!?"







"Oi! Respect a bit lah!"

Sunday, February 24, 2008

A to Z of the ‘Kiasu’ Philosophy










A? Always must win
B? Borrow but never return
C? Cheap is good
D? Don't trust anyone
E? Everything also must grab!
F? Free! Free! Free!
G? Grab first, talk later!
H? Help yourself to everything
I? I first, I want, I everything
J? Jump queue
K? Keep coming back for more
L? Look for discounts
M? Must not lose face
N? Never mind what they think
O? Outdo everyone you know!
P? Pay only when necessary
Q? Quit while you're ahead
R? Rush and push to win the race
S? Samples are always welcome
T? Take but don't give
U? Unless it's free, forget it
V? Vow to be number one
W? Winner takes it all! All! All!
X? X'tra = More!
Y? Yell if necessary to get what you want
Z? Zebras are kiasu as they want to be black & white at the same time


BONUS 5 ‘K’ School of Thought:~

Kiasu (scared of losing)
Kiasee (scared of death)
Kiabor (scared of wife)
Kiaboh (scared of having nothing)
Kiachenghu (scared of government)


*Kiasu means ‘scared loss’ in Chinese Hokkien’

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Top 10 Crap Feng Shui Tips for a Better Living


Tip Number 1: KEEP YOUR WINDOWS CLEANWindows represent opportunities, make sure they are clean so that you can see your opportunities coming.

Tip Number 2: REPLACE YOUR LIGHT BULBSDifferent space represents different energies, you want to make sure your wealth, relationship and health energies are bright.

Tip Number 3: TIGHTEN DOOR KNOBSTo get better at handling things, squeeze all your door knobs real tight.

Tip Number 4: GET RID OF DEAD PLANTSPlants represent health and vitality, dead plants symbolize death!

Tip Number 5: KEEP TOILET LID DOWN - To avoid negative draining energy, always keep your toilet lid closed.

Tip Number 6: CLEAN UNDERNEATH YOUR BEDClear out all the rubbish that’s blocking the energy underneath your bed to have better sleep.

Tip Number 7: KEEP YOUR MIRRORS CLEANClean your mirrors frequently so that you can see yourself clearly and love yourself more, mooaah!

Tip Number 8: HAVE A CLEARLY MARKED ENTRYEnergy or Qi can read signs, you want it to climb into your property without getting lost.

Tip Number 9: FIX ALL LEAKS AND DRIPSWater represents your money, you don’t want your money to leak, do you?

Tip Number 10: VISIT MY BLOG ALWAYS at http://crapfengshui.blogspot.com/ to become a Feng Shui expert in a crappy way. Crap! Crap! Crap!



* Bienvenidos means 'Welcome' in Spanish*

Sunday, February 17, 2008

The All NEW Bedtime Story


A story of Grand Shaman and Young Shaman


Once upon a time, in a Magical Land not very far away, there was a very well known and famous shaman. This shaman which we shall call Grand Shaman, was a very difficult man to meet up with, not because he was too proud to meet with strangers but because he had many interests and many demands on his time from people who needed his skills.


We now introduce the second character of our story; the Young Shaman. At the beginning, Young Shaman was not even a shaman but a shaman ‘wannabe’. He had learned some shamanistic knowledge through a correspondence course from another shaman in the Maple Leaf Land. Young Shaman might have attended some classes on shamanism in person by another shaman in the Maple Leaf Land but I am not sure. Anyway, Young Shaman was interested in obtaining more knowledge. In his quest of knowledge, he heard of the Grand Shaman and after the use of much networking, managed to meet up with Grand Shaman.

Young Shaman wanted to learn from Grand Shaman and as an offering, suggested that he organize a shamanistic study class in Down Under Land and he could participate as well (for free). This was accepted by Grand Shaman and it was successful.

Grand Shaman in his generosity offered to partner with Young Shaman, a wet behind the years, 22 year-old at the time, in setting up the Center of Shamanistic Study. The offer was very generous, equal partnership in the new shaman practice. Of course Young Shaman had to work for his half of the practice. This was the first big mistake that Grand Shaman made; he belonged to the old school and believed that word of mouth was good enough.

Young Shaman was very industrious, from the outline given by Grand Shaman; Young Shaman came out with a shamanistic study course syllabus. Grand Shaman proceeded to flesh out the course syllabus with the technical details and Young Shaman wrote them down properly. Now bear in mind that this happened within one year of the first meeting between Grand Shaman and Young Shaman.

Of course nowadays, Young Shaman claims that he wrote the shamanistic study courses all by himself. Young Shaman claims that Grand Shaman did not teach him anything and he has no reason to call Grand Shaman master as he did not go through the ritualistic fasting, sacrifice of a wild buffalo and blood oath to be accepted as an apprentice. On the other hand, he says that his knowledge was taught to him by other shaman masters from Place of Smelly Waters. One wonders, did he perform the ritual to be accepted as an apprentice or did he just pay with many pretty pieces of yellow metal? If the latter, it would seem that buying an apprenticeship is worth more than being treated as an equal by a revered shaman. Strange world this is… luckily it is just fiction, otherwise it would not make sense, right?

Anyway, on with the story… Did I mention that Young Shaman was a very cunning chap? Because Grand Shaman was famous, Young Shaman thought that Grand Shaman’s name should be protected from other people who might seek to use Grand Shaman’s name to sell snake oil. So Young Shaman asked Grand Shaman to sign a writing skin giving permission for Young Shaman to register the use of Grand Shaman’s name with the Grand Council of Name Usage (that was in the old days, in these modern times we would call this the patent and trademark office). Grand Shaman, trusting Young Shaman, signed it assuming that the use of Grand Shaman’s name would be registered to the new partnership. This was not to be. Young Shaman recorded the name in such a way that it was in the control of himself and not the Center of Shamanistic Study.

Young Shaman also wanted to teach his own things on certain aspects of Shaman Magic. Grand Shaman gave his blessings even though there was potential conflict in what Young Shaman was doing and the Center of Shamanistic Study.

Then one day, it was pointed out to Grand Shaman that he should make sure that he really owned half of the new business. Grand Shaman had nothing official to show for the business. True, he got a big pile of animal hides every few months and a big horse drawn cart, but everything was controlled by Young Shaman. Even all the bonded labourers in the practice were selected and taken in by Young Shaman himself (some of the labourers are still collecting animal hides for Young Shaman today, knowing and denying what had happened a few years ago).

When Grand Shaman requested for the scroll containing the records of the Center of Shamanistic Study, Young Shaman told Grand Shaman that he could not take a copy. He could only view it in the cave that housed the Center of Shamanistic Study. When Grand Shaman wanted a record of the ownership of the Center of Shamanistic Study he had to apply to the King’s Record Center; Young Shaman would not provide such information.

In the end, Grand Shaman decided to sit down with Young Shaman and see about resolving those issues so that the Center of Shamanistic Study could still continue on. Young Shaman was not ready to share the information of the Center of Shamanistic Study with Grand Shaman. Young Shaman instead was very angry and said that since he did all the hard work, everything should be his and out of the goodness of his heart, he offered Grand Shaman the chance to kill the partnership and sell off all the belongings so that the animal skins can be distributed. Of course all the scrolls that Young Shaman claimed that he had written were to remain his, and only his.

Until such time that Grand Shaman agreed to end of the partnership and the partnership actually ended, Young Shaman told Grand Shaman that Grand Shaman could not use his own Name to teach as it is in the control of Young Shaman. This was a threat so that Grand Shaman would quickly end the whole partnership and agree to what must be some unfair points. Otherwise, pressure would not have been put on like this.

All this while, Young Shaman continued teaching his own Shaman Magic classes. Did I mention that in the last year before the partnership ended, Young Shaman had News Sprites to shout about his classes more and more? In the meantime, the News Sprites paid to shout about the Center of Shamanistic Study was getting less and less work to do. Grand Shaman decided to agree to kill the partnership. However, there was no way that Grand Shaman can agree to all the conditions set by Young Shaman. Grand Shaman is a fair shaman and he is willing to let Young Shaman go his own way, just as long as the whole process is fair.

"We will stop this story here as it is getting a bit too hot to handle. Keep checking in as I may get new chapters to this work of fiction from reliable sources. I hope you've enjoyed reading the story and please tell it to your children and grandchildren for many years to come."


Written by Coyote
At the beginning of the 21st Century

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Even the God is Angry!


I don't know if any Ba Zi expert can read a person's life or destiny in 10 (freakin') minutes! But that was what happened at the JYMA's BS events recently!

There were counters for such 'road-side' Ba Zi consultations conducted by some 'half-boiled egg' students who got paid a mere $10 per consult and the company kept the other $20. Yes! It was only $30 per person for a freakin' 10 minutes quickie!

Some experts in destiny analysis that I personally know would need a bit of time to analyse a person's chart in order to do a good and accurate job. Some even take hours to read and write out a proper life report even though they may have countless years of experience behind them. These experts are aware that it's people's life they are dealing with.

"What can a student who has not even mastered the skill in Ba Zi do in 10 'sorry' minutes to an innocent person who may just believe everything he/ she says?"

I feel so sorry for those gullible people who had a quickie for a dirt cheap price and I hope not much damage was done to any of them. It kind of reminds me of the guinea pigs scientists use for their experiments, and some even get killed in the process. "Can innocent people's life be toyed with like that?!" Hmmm...

Well, I'm not angry but the God is... WHY? Cause they are giving Ba Zi and Chinese Metaphysics a very bad name. What a shame!

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

GONG XI FA CAI 2008!






GONG XI FA CAI to all my readers! May this New Year be less 'crappy' for you! Enjoy your holiday and cheers!

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Anticipation comes true!

Well, as the whole world has been anticipating, the website report states more than 3,000 pax attended the BS Talk. Some were even standing near the stage to take a glimpse of the puffy face celebrity. Too bad, there wasn't any picture taken in the toilet for the live feed! What a bunch of crap!

Sad as it is, the 'exaggerated' number has drop 400 pax from last year's 'piece of shit' report of 3,400 pax. That's from "Bad to Worse" woh...

Here's a good tip for those who would like to have some 'fun' again next year... DO NOT purchase any tickets again as there are usually FREE tickets thrown at the very last minute to fill up the hall so that it will look good for the camera. I heard there are 950 tickets or more to be given away for every event. Perhaps 2 tickets will fall in your lap 7 days before the event. We never know, do we?


Psst! Psst! The famous Mr. Stephen Skinner was at the event, but unfortunately no one recognised him. How in the weirdest world did he get my business card? "Mr. Skinner, if you're reading this. Yes! I got your email. Will reply you shortly."

Friday, February 1, 2008

Regular Masturbation Prevents Cancer


Research suggests semen may have a carcinogenic effect on the cells lining the prostatic ducts if not flushed regularly out of the pipes by ejaculations.

As an innocently naughty teenager just a few short years ago, I was curious about masturbation but simply had no courage or opportunity to ask someone. I wasn't interested in those no-brainer questions that other teenagers asked: whether vigorous rubbing of the penis would dislodge it from the body or make your pubic hair fall off. I knew already, as a well-read teen, that sperm is produced daily, that ejaculating it either via sex or masturbation is natural, pleasurable and desirable. And if I didn't masturbate and spurt it out, the body would have to discharge the accumulated 'gooey stuff' at night while I was experiencing a wet dream. No amount of listening to fire-and-brimstone sermons on Sunday could shake my confidence in this scientific fact and truth.

What I was dying to know, and which I am still interested today, were burning questions such as how spinster women (most of my school teachers then were not married) and celibate priests relieve their sexual urgings. From all appearances, they didn't have lovers or sex partners, so did they masturbate? If they did, was it alone in the shower or bedroom, and how frequent did they do it? Did they read porn magazines or watch porns to enhance the shaking experience? Burning questions!

In earlier, more sensible times, as we read in our history books, priests and popes fucked regularly and produced hordes of children. It was only until recently that this practice was stopped. As a result, one reads in the news of priests in the US (particularly in Catholic-dominated Boston) molesting children.

If priests and other celibates were encouraged to masturbate regularly, then they would more likely to keep their own paws to themselves and not on children, as medical researchers have discovered, according to the following report:

Sydney - Frequent masturbation may be really good for you. Research by Australia's Cancer Council Victoria found that the more often men ejaculate between the ages of 20 and 50, the less likely they are to suffer the disease that kills more than half a million men each year.

The survey of 1,079 prostate cancer patients and 1,259 healthy men found that those who masturbated or had sex at least once a day in their 20’s were a third less likely to develop the malady.

"For men in their 50's of course that's often not achievable," Graham Giles, who led the research team told Reuters on Thursday.

"(But) masturbation isn't bad for you. I don't believe in the blindness and hairy palms theory. Prohibitions against ejaculations are not based on science," he said.

The study conducted between 1994 and 1998, but still being analyzed, did not focus specifically on masturbation.

Nevertheless, it was the largest so far to ask participants not just about their sexual relations but also about masturbation and to analyze the answers.

Giles said the findings correlate with previous research that showed Roman Catholic priests were 30 percent more likely to get prostate cancer, but they contradict other studies that suggested having a variety of partners or frequent sex could lift the risk.

One theory that could explain the new results is that semen may have a carcinogenic effect on the cells lining the prostatic ducts if not flushed regularly out of the pipes by ejaculations.


"So the next time you masturbate, don’t feel guilty! Be proud! Just make sure you do it in a good sector with a good door at the RIGTH TIME and your penis is facing an auspicious direction.

When having sex, make sure your husband or wife is also sitting or lying in an auspicious direction at the RIGHT TIME so that your newborn will have a good Ba Zi chart. According to Tao Wisdom, the best place to produce newborn is in an open field where the good Qi is not blocked."